Restoring Trust After Flirt

RESTORING TRUST AFTER FLIRT

Suppose that in the past, a couple accidentally had sex cheaply and went their separate ways after. Not able to recognise each other, they later formed a relationship to investigate each other for the possibility of getting married. Then, something happened and they began to recognise each other and how they had fallen cheaply into the accidental sex in time past. Now, do you think this relationship should continue?

Well, in my view, none of the partners has any justification over what had happened. Both of them are guilty of decay morals.

In Africa though, only a woman seems to be guilty of fornication and adultery. But both genders stand condemned in God's sight, who is guilty of this and is unrepentant.

I think the state of these couples is now a sword of two edges. The Trust in the relationship is destroyed already. If they could have it with me so easily, they could have it with anyone else too. But should they leave each other for that? Not necessarily yes. If they do, they shouldn't hope to find security for their emotions in whatever relationship they form later.

The African man would want to browbeat the woman into accept that she was the guilty one. But it doesn't make him better than the woman. Or he may want to change the woman. That is the most annoying thing of it all. The only person you can change is you and not another person. If the woman is a whore, she probably was since her adolescence.

If the marriage is yet to be performed, there probably is still time. Putting a drastic end to the relationship might not be the best option because you don't know what you are going to find in another. There is probably something obscured you saw in each other that brought you together this two times. It might be so rare, you might not be able to see it in any other relationship you would get.

Realise that more than forty percent of relationship problems are never solved when they can be lived with. Many that are seen as happy couples simply hang on and don't blame. They know couples relationship to be one of the most important needs of people described in this world. And yet, it the possession most likely to be taken for granted. Negativity feeds on itself and those who look for it in their spouse are unhappy.

So, rather than quit so quickly, the best thing to be done is to make a map of your relationship territory. Use good judgement instead of passion drive and seek to understand what you are into. Let your partner see you working on yourself rather than seeking to change them. Take responsibility even when you were not to blame directly about what had happened. In this way, your relationship could still survive with your humour fully restored. Trust could again be rebuilt into the relationship.

But if your relationship map reveals one woeful navigation barrier after another, you are not shackled beyond movement. A kiss doesn't blot out a serious flaw any more than the hope of changing the personality of your partner after marriage can. You need to talk things over and if quit is the decision, leave each other without stripping yourselves of your self esteem. You may need to decide before the vows are taken or you get yourself locked in a turning wheel of tribulations without the consolation of tears for the rest of your life.

The Perfect Partner

The major decisions we have to make in the transition from adolescence to adulthood are three in all. 1. What the right way to serve God is, 2. What career to choose, and 3. Who that right person is with whom to spend the rest of the days. While well meaning friends, teachers and loved ones may help with some suggestions, the individual involved has the decision as he would be solely responsible for the outcome whether good or bad. Yes, as they say, "At the end of a fight, it is the man with broken head that must be at the front."

Expectedly, it is almost generally believed that a relationship with a supernatural being, God, is first in importance. Yet, finding a lifelong partner is most difficult and delicate. Why? It is a major turning point in life. This person is going to be your foremost friend, largely influence your love and hate, affect your decisions, and determine the place, even the fate of long cherished values such as close ties with parents and siblings. In spite of denial, this is the reality. The question is not whether this happens, but who is that man or woman so deserving of the great U-turn in another's life? Who is that perfect partner?

Perfection

People go to great length to search for this right person. To some, the place could be among this people of the same race, tribe or religion. But to others, it could be so far away in some distant foreign land. Still others feel the neighbourhood is okay, perhaps this friend already so close, an acquaintance or just any person one judges right. What is looked for also matters. Is perfection just that gorgeous face, smooth chocolate or stainless silvery body?

And anybody could be right if first, there is freedom to strike a serious relationship. That is the truth. But before you set out in pursuance of the perfect person for you, be sure first, that you are perfect. Or the right person, double-check that you are right yourself. For one thing, it is almost generally difficult to have problems with yourself - our looks and our behaviours. But others do.

Unlike the search for God through the ever present Book of Creation or the pages of holy books such as the Bible depending on who, there are no books with perfect sects of rules on how to locate the ideal mate. There are therefore compelling reasons to begin with self discipline to minimize the risk of starting a journey to endless litany of regrets.

Discipline means your own attitude towards the precious gem or pearl you hope to find. Your ability to locate that perfect partner depends on the kind of person you are yourself. You are willing to share the rest of your life only with someone somehow so flawless. Per adventure such a person is somewhere, are you sure you have those attributes to sustain the much desired qualities in the spouse? Get what I mean.

One of the needs filled by marriage is that of friendship and companionship. Yet some men continue to favour friendship with old pals when they were bachelors over that of their mates even after marriage, spending all the time with them, drinking and living the good old days. Failed to work on their attitude, such ones themselves enter into the union with the wrong one. The wedding day is the end and not the beginning of the journey.

Another matter of concern is this disparaging view of women. Significantly, this prejudice cut across all ethnic and racial boundaries and could be very strong in some cultures and religions. How though could such a man already weakened by this attitude factor hope to survive in the judgement of perfedtion?

Women too have their own personal attitude to contend with. Before turning that artist and painting that illustrious picture of Prince Charming in possession of the elixir that is going to cure all the pains, first paint a picture of yourself, your true self. Afterward, if you continue to feel like Narcissus, who fell in love with a reflection of himself in a pool of water, there should be a few questions about your intellectual honesty.

So, a lot of people get it wrong. It is not what I think about him or her that all mattered, but what does he or she thinks about me should be the first care. If your tongue stamps for instance when you eat, it might not be a problem to you. Do you know though that some couples have obtained divorce for that?

What has worked for some? They take out a pen and paper. They meticulously put down all the attributes they desire in a prospective mate. This could take weeks or even months. When they are sure enough there is no stone unturned, the title is changes to reflect self-examination. The result is often amazing! With just a slight adjustment, it would reflect what the other partner would like or hate.

The One for Me

If you could try it, probably, you are all set for it. With sympathy for your own weaknesses, you are ready to go, make allowances for the unintentional imperfection of the other. Along the way though, major flaws might be encountered. What then?

These are not to be treated lightly, maybe settled with kisses or brood over with passion. Never assume that major flaws in your spouse could be corrected after marriage. Major flaws though, are determined by nobody except the participants in the investigative union. They are the imperfections or traits of your partner you are unable to overlook and accommodate no matter how hard you try. They are warning signs of calamities. Of course there are a few others that give you no concern. So, be wise, keep your distance!

Mohandas K. Ghandhi during his life time, spoke highly of the Bible. Of course, if your religion allows you to read from it, you are fortunate. Though it is the Christian holy book, its lessons are practical for marriage.

But before this is concluded, one question remains. If all the good advice on marriage in the world are applied a perfect couple would result, true or false?

Well, nothing like The Perfect Partners exists anywhere in all the world. The wonderful results however, would be couples close to perfection. It could be yours if you choose.

IS IT YOUR TIME TO DATE?.

1. This Strange Feeling - What is It?

A. I am Growing up?

B. Signals I am Ripe for Dating? 

As a child becomes an adolescent, he begins to experience new and strange feelings. At this time, he begins to notice the presence of a person of the opposite sex in a special way. This is normal and healthy for a youthful body. Why is this change in behavior?

At about the age of twelve in female and thirteen in male, the body begins to produce new and powerful hormones, triggering the development of new features in both male and female. this results in physical and emotional changes. This is often called "Secondary Growth." The forces of these hormones could be so strong at times that the adolescent finds it difficult to manage them. This is reflected in craving for increased freedom, constant disagreement with parents, hasty decisions etc. Let us consider the later, hasty decisions.

Often, adolescents enter into romantic relationship too early in this modern times, concluding that they have found the perfect partners at that tender age. 

Baby marrying a Baby

The question is: why the haste? Many erroneously believe they could nurture such a relationship to adulthood. But time has proved this to be folly. The result had always being heartaches. A number of such relationships end up in bitter marriages we often term "Secondary School Love," where the woman looks far older than the man too soon. A Baby having babies in some cases. It might simply be multiplication of heartbreaks.

Better Tomorrow

Like a driver, we can control our life's destination and determine a happy future to large extent for your family. Why not draw close to mature, experience and chaste adult at this time, rather than limiting your circle of friends to those of your age. If you are still living at home with your parents, you have a special asset and good company. They have already experimented and corrected the shortfalls they encountered in life. Moreover, they have your best interest at heart too. Do not think they are restrictive. They do not want you to have their negative experiences.

Above all, remember that values are always changing. What is your best choice today, might as well be your worst tomorrow. Remember too that some choices can never be undone. I had an encounter with a young man having tattoos on his neck. I appreciate him as a person for his humility. When I advised him to consider it well before marking more tattoos on this basis that values could be transient, he disclosed to me, how futile his effort to remove it had been already. "I don't like it anymore," he added.

What then? Adolescence is your precious time to lay a solid foundation and build for yourself, a blissful future. It is the wrong time for romance. Free yourself of the distractions of dating. Strive to improve your school grades and develop good personality. Take control of your life course and choose your destination upfront. Minimize regrets in the years to come. True, you are full of energy as a young person. Direct this for positive outcomes in the choices you make. No matter how much strength you have, control it and do not let it control you. And your choices will lead you to a happy future.

Dating - Its Purpose

Dating is mutual investigation of two person of the opposite sex for the purpose of marriage.

Dating is a medium of improving ones status symbol.

Dating is just fun.
I don’t know.

Which of the above options represents your thought? Interestingly, marriage is known throughout the ages as a lasting lodging and a protective umbrella for the family. If children are involved, they find security within the walls of this union. Compare this with children had outside wedlock, who are often insecure. Before entering such a union as marriage, it becomes important to conduct a thorough investigation of each other before entering such a serious contract. An initial step is taken by the intending couple to see if a serious relationship could exist between them. This first step and the activities around it are called dating. As the relationship progresses to a point where mutual commitment becomes involved, the new stage becomes courtship – a more serious relationship. (Courtship will be treated later on its term)

Dating With Marriage in Sight

Nurtured To A Happy Wedlock

Chastity is prominent in dating in the past. In many parts of Nigeria, for example, parents made sure that the romantic relationship of their child is well chaperoned. This ensured that the child does not cross the line he could never return through – the line of virginity. To the Yorubas, it was immoral for ones daughter to allow a man to make advances to her or to hear that his son has made advances to a person of the opposite sex. Under this extreme check, it is the parents that arranged the marriages of their children. Similarly, in the Ishan part of Edo state, dating was somewhat indirect. The male would take a bundle of firewood or cut palm heads and take them to the mother of his girlfriend. This mother would in turn, ask her daughter in question to see him off. But a time is usually prescribed when she would be expected back in the house. This time is normally not long enough for excessive display of affection between the lovers. Offering to work in her father’s farm was another avenue for dating in this part of the country. In this occasion, the girl was allowed to work side by side with her lover. As they work, they could engage in heart to heart discussion. The couple could observe the reaction of each other when under pressure or when tired. They thus could begin to appreciate the attributes of each other. Under these well chaperoned settings, the possibility of improper behaviour before marriage is checked.

In those days, sex before marriage was a disgrace to the clan of resident when it becomes known. And the family of the offender, especially that of the girl, suffered social ostracism to last a life time. Labeled with promiscuous history, it was difficult for other females in the family to find a suitable mate. Today, such alarming claims are no longer very evident. Dating is now a status symbol or just fun.

Increasing, a number of people the world over, now measure their social worth by the caliber of “Babes” they go out with on a dates. It is not uncommon to see unwed couples to be romantically inclined, without objectives other than one-off sex party or perpetual sex party. A number of people date colleagues in the office under this setting. Even some married people do so outside of wedlock

Could Be Prestige

With this unlimited freedom to date, school age children, inexperienced at handling the pressure and the crisis of dating are often seen today in pairs for fun. As a result, at a very tender age, some young ones are already sexually active. This is sad depending on who does the evaluation.

Kids Dating Kids

In the past, dating led to marriage. But entering it for the wrong purpose led to heartbreak or a violation of ones purity. Nowadays however, very few survive to courtship. Still fewer courtships are nurtured to dignified wedlock. Most dating today, lead to heartbreak, self-violation, marital infidelity and vexation.

All in all, the old tradition of dating has survived millennia of human history but not with virtues intact. So, are you dating? Are you ready to date? Do you have a clear purpose in mind? Weigh the matter carefully – the so-called old and outdated or the modern and popular. The choice is yours. Remember to count the cost though. And choose wisely.

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Dating - What Is It?

Dating is an age old tradition of man, involving two people of the opposite sex. Interestingly, surveys far and wide reveal that only a very small percentage of all dates are planned. Innocent relationships often shift from platonic to romantic unions. Since there are no sets of prescribed setting for fulfilling a date, people often begin to date innocently. By the time they wake up to their new position in the stream of time, much waters would have already passed under the bridge. Consider the following dating scenarios.

In the first one, a young woman receives a costly Rose from someone of the opposite sex. As she examines the delicate petals, she feels the charming tenderness in the sender's heart.

In the second scenario, a young man asked a person of the opposite sex out for a diner. The atmosphere around the diner is charged with happy laughter for the magic of pairing.

In the final scenario, an unwed couple were strolling around the quiet waters of a canal in the sunset of a beautiful evening. Together, the charms of mutual interest stirred by water creatures, their croaking, whistling and chirping, with the thrill of the cool breeze of the evening, wove them into a single soul. And life became nothing but one pleasant melody of paradise.

All three situations above, are examples of a few ideal settings for dating. However, dating does not always need to take a formal setting as any of the above. It sometimes takes sharing a cup of tea with this same person of the opposite sex frequently, returning from school or work with a particular person of the opposite sex all the time or simply enjoying leisure with this person regularly.

There is also this feeling associated with it that changes the speed of romantic union at a million percent per second. This is often called love, but is it?

 Dating is the meeting or closeness of two persons of the opposite sex for the purpose of investigating each other. It is most of the time, just that pairing and the magic surrounding it. There must however be elements of particularity and relative regularity for such meetings or closeness to constitute dating. But what is the objective of this these two persons' investigation? This will be the subject of the next article.

Photo credit: Google free web images.